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flying_padre

Never would I have thought my brother & I would share the experiences & conversations we've had. Not to mention, how our aunt's love for our mom has overflowed into an abundance of light & guidance. We are so blessed.

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I was thinking of what pictures I have of us to  change my homescreen to & it dawned me, there won't be any future pictures to choose from. It's obvious, of course, certain things just hit a different nerve once in a while.
Last year there was greif in accepting that was our last Mother's Day with you but this year there's still just an open wound. One more hug will never be enough, Duey.

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I miss you more than words can ever convey. In fact, there's nothing new to even say.
I still haven't adjusted to living with the sadness of your loss & the last month or so, stings more than ever. This will be a lifelong process that will probably never sit right within my soul.
I love you to heaven & back. (quite literally now, 'eh?)

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We never did master how to live our lives together. These past few years were more than likely, the best we ever did. Sadly for you, some of your most trying times. I guess I can include myself into that as well. One thing is a fact... we never mastered how to live without one another.

It isn't that I want you here; it's learning how to live with this. I've found kicking drugs & immoral behavior just a blip on the radar compared to this, which will continue to save my spiritual & emotional life. If I ever again find myself lost, our shared roots will never let me stray far from who I am. I can appreciate that the loss of you will always save me.

Dreams of you are so frequent. Last night between the chaos, which is ultimately me just yearning to feel control over this situation, I watched as Jenn painted your nails. I was focused on your hands & everything was just as it was when she was actually painting your nails. I got everything I needed before you passed... when you were unable to speak, you gave me your energy. You heard me, you felt me. Your last physical motion when it didn't seem possible was reaching for me. I was given what I had previously grieved for but selfishlessly, it just isn't enough. I'll always want to talk to you, I'll always want to laugh with you, I'll always want to hug you. I guess that's just the effect mothers have on their children.




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You're gone to stay & the intensity always comes by surprise. At least you know now, what a true ray of sunshine you were.image

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When I reached where I was going, I realized just how much you've restored me. You always will, for who I am today & each tomorrow after. You're a part of the past that somehow finds it's way into today.

http://youtu.be/ncLZD4KFUD4

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many nights I just can't get to sleep fast enough & it's usually on nights like this. 3:45 & counting...
for a split second today, remembering her being gone came as such a surprise, I chuckled in disbelief. it's just short of 2 months & for some reason it feels as if I haven't seen her in so long.

as mentally/emotionally healthy as I can be, as grateful as I am, these tears come freely when it's still.
when she was slipping, I felt blessed her "I love you" always sounded the same. I counted on that & grieved that immensely when she was no longer capable. I was blessed to receive that again before she left us, including such emotional energy she was able to give me one last time. the selfish child in me relates to the saying, "one is too much, a thousand isn't enough" regarding this. just one more hug...

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sometimes my heart is so heavy with the sadness of losing her, I can't wait for the following day to start fresh. it's purely selfish. how can it not be, when there's been this much suffering. suffering no soul should bear. but some selfishness is only natural, especially with a parent.

 

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There are very specifics reasons I don't intertwine specific family members.

I don't regret those final days but I've hesitated the weave before it even started. There's a balance in this world & with the beauty of those days comes an aftermath to deal with. All out of my control, obviously.

Some people bury their demons instead of facing them. I choose to only let those people in so far.

Good lucks, Arab clan. You'll need open eyes for this door.

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Gary Busey, baby!

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